Lady Gaga has spoken about the ‘total psychotic break’ she experienced after being raped, aged 19, and becoming pregnant.
On Thursday night, Apple TV released Prince Harry and Oprah Winfrey’s docu-series, The Me You Can’t See, which sees several celebrities – including the Duke of Sussex – discussing their mental health issues.
In the series, the singer discussed her sexual assault, which involved a producer allegedly threatening to burn her music if she didn’t remove her clothes.
‘And they didn’t stop asking me, and then I just froze, and I just – I don’t even remember,’ the 35-year-old tearily recalled in the episode.
Choosing not to name her alleged attacker, Gaga noted: ‘I understand this #MeToo movement, I understand that some people feel really comfortable with this, and I do not. I do not ever want to face that person again. This system is so abusive, it’s so dangerous.’
Lady Gaga first spoke of her sexual assault in 2014. During an appearance on Howard Stern’s radio show the award winner noted that she went through ‘some horrific things’. ‘I’ve gone through a lot of mental and physical therapy and emotional therapy to heal over the years,’ she told the host.
In the new series, she recalled an incident, years after the assault, in which she went to a hospital for acute pain and numbness and was treated by a psychiatrist.
‘I [couldn’t] feel my own body,’ she recalled. ‘First I felt full-on pain, then I felt numb, and then I was sick for weeks after. I realized that it was the same pain that I felt when the person who raped me dropped me off pregnant on a corner [by] my parent’s house, because I was vomiting and sick. Because I had been being abused, and I was locked away in a studio for months.’
The singer, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, added that years after the attack she had a ‘total psychotic break’.
‘For a couple of years, I was not the same girl,’ she noted. ‘The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped. I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing. But your body remembers.’
The star continued, revealing that she feels like there’s a ‘black cloud that is following you wherever you go telling you that you are worthless and should die.’
In addition to talking about self-harm and the importance of speaking to someone if you’re struggling with your mental health, the Grammy and Oscar winner noted that her mental health’s improvement is ‘a slow rise’, but not a ‘straight line’.
‘Even if I have six brilliant months, all it takes is getting triggered once to feel bad. And when I say feel bad, I mean I want to cut, I think about dying, wondering if I’m ever gonna do it.’
The Me You Can’t See is available to watch on Apple TV+ now.
This story originally appeared on ELLE UK
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