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Ask Susan: Looking for love
Dear Susan: I recently broke up with an on-again, off-again boyfriend of two years. There were many reasons: he would often put me down, but the biggest trouble was that he never told me about his huge debt. The problem is that before I knew him, I got to know his boss and had a real connection with him. I didn’t pursue it because this man was in a relationship at the time. Now I’m single, and so is this man. I’m wondering if I should try to start something. Curious
Dear Curious: I think you’re not sure if you’re on your head or your feet. Despite what many women think, men like to be the hunters — it’s part of their psyche. If this man wanted you, he would have come looking for you. He could easily find where you are and how to get in touch with you. You’re in love with the idea of being in love. I don’t think this man will be a long-term partner for you. You’re a little vulnerable right now and alone, but it won’t last. I see a new job and new relationship for you next year. I feel that there will be talk of going on vacation to Mexico, and something special will happen around your birthday that will fill you with joy.
Dear Susan: I was in a three-year relationship with a man who I thought was The One. We had our problems, and I broke it off. I started dating again but kept thinking of my ex. It has been four months since I dumped the last guy I dated. I’ve tried to get in touch with my ex, but he won’t return my calls. I miss him dearly. I’m trying to let go and move on, but my heart won’t let me. Can you offer any advice? Broken-hearted
Dear Broken-hearted: Your ex was — and is — stubborn, so you shouldn’t be surprised that he’s not returning your calls. He was also quite introverted and found it difficult to express his emotions, right? You broke it off not because you wanted to but because you were hoping that he would express his undying love for you and all would be well. You took a risk, which was very brave of you. Your inner self told you that this was not right for you! Now you’re afraid and wish you had never done it, but you did the right thing. There is someone out there for you. Before the end of this year, I feel that you will meet someone. It will be when snow is on the ground and it’s cold, and this person will be sporty and a good listener. So look forward, not back — there is a new dawn ahead for you.
Visit our forums to chat about relationships with other ELLE Canada readers!Dear Susan: I was deeply and somewhat idealistically in love with a man when I was in my 20s. We were separated by war and, for political reasons, only managed to arrange several meetings over the years. We broke up a couple of years ago, after a decade of phone calls. This was after I managed to come to Canada, finish school (which he didn’t support), secure a job and finally start to feel safe. I have met another man. I’m in my mid-30s and want to start a family. Now, both men are offering me their hands and hearts, and I’m torn between past and present. How do I find the courage to make this very difficult decision? Sans courage
Dear Sans Courage: You’re wrong — you have a lot of courage. Let’s make that clear from the start. You educated yourself — and struggled doing it — despite the love of your life (or so you say) wanting you to give it all up and go back to him. You did what you did because subconsciously you knew you had to depend on yourself. If you are honest with yourself now, you won’t respect this man because he doesn’t see you! He put you down, and he made you feel as if your studies were useless. Because he is insecure, he wants his women to follow him like sheep. You put him up on a pedestal through phone calls, but when you saw the real person you didn’t like him. It’s that simple. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what is it that you admire and respect most. I feel that neither of these men fits the bill. You have problems with how you see and perceive men. Your father was critical when he was around, wasn’t he? You’ve tried to please others too much to be liked and loved. Instead of looking at confusion as a burden, see it as a blessing because it’s stopping you from making a decision. For now, don’t even try to make one. Go on, live your life and enjoy your work. I don’t see you with either of these two men, as there will be another for you. Rule number one: tell yourself each day that you have courage, and start from there.
Dear Susan: I’m interested in an older, very attractive man who lives in another province. I don’t know him well, but I’m wondering if I should call him. (I can get his number from a friend.) Is that stalking him? Puzzled
Dear Puzzled: Like an iceberg — which we see only a third of — you’re not seeing the whole picture. You’ve been hurt very badly in the past, and there’s a part of you that’s afraid of getting into another relationship. You won’t acknowledge this, but it’s true. I’m sure that you want to change, so you need to look over your past, acknowledge it and let it go. There is someone who moved away that you had deep feelings for and you still think of him, but he was selfish and you thought you could fix it. It’s time to work on yourself and enjoy life. When you meet someone — and you will — get to know him before you let your dreams take over. This man isn’t for you. It could be a fling, but that will leave you feeling worse.
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