Anatomy of a Canadian summer’s day
Canadian humourist Monica Heisey shares a quintessentially Canuck 24 hours.
7 a.m. Wake up too early by accident. (Birds.)
7:15–10:15 a.m. Fight to go back to sleep, periodically researching methods of bird genocide.
10:30 a.m. Give up and get out of bed, but bookmark a few boutique poison shops on Etsy.
11 a.m. Big old breakfast: waffles, fruit, eggs and bacon. These are photos you look at on Instagram while shovelling peanut butter into your mouth.
12 p.m. Stack rocks on other rocks for a really long time. Tell everyone you are “building an inukshuk.” Fail to do so. Throw rocks into the water, telling everyone you are “skipping rocks.” Fail harder.
1:30 p.m. Dock nap.
2:30 p.m. Awaken with a confusing new tan line.
3:30 p.m. Barbecue. Everyone talks about how gross hot dogs are and eat several each.
4 p.m. Fight the urge to wear a T-shirt over your bathing suit as you remember many embarrassing years at camp.
5:05 p.m. Wear a T-shirt over your bathing suit.
6 p.m. Plan to go canoeing.
6:05 p.m. Plan immediately backfires and involves so much untying knots, assembling life jackets, heavy lifting and getting the tops of your shoes wet. Also: mosquitoes.
7:30 p.m. Sweaty paddle around the lake. (MOSQUITOES.)
8 p.m. There are fireworks somewhere, and you don’t know why but you’re definitely going to go.
8:30–11:30 p.m. Marshmallows fire beer. Repeat as needed.