It’s the most wonderful time of year: HBO’s masterful Game of Thrones has finally returned to our TVs. Nerd alert: I experienced such intense withdrawal after season 1 ended that I read the entire “Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R.R. Martin on my iPad in one amazing five month period. I now consider myself ELLE Canada’s resident GoT expert. And friends, let me tell you, some crazy stuff is about to go down in Westeros. In honour of season 2's return, we've decided to recap episode one, “The North Remembers.” Let’s consult our (brand new!) apocalypse index. Winter is coming 1) Is it just me, or did Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) get extra dreamy over the break? Here’s a quick backgrounder: Jon Snow is the bastard son of recently beheaded hero Ned Stark (Sean Bean). Snow is a member of the Night’s Watch, who have the super un-fun job of guarding the realm against Wildlings and things that go bump in the night. Recently, the Night’s Watch discovered the White Walkers, mythical ghost zombie things that reanimate dead people into killing machines. The Night’s watch have ventured North to try and find information that could help stop an army of undead invaders from killing everyone. Apocalypse potential: +1,000 2) The Night’s Watch decide to crash at their creepy acquaintance Craster’s house in the middle of the forest. Small detail: Craster (Robert Pugh) lives with a harem of daughter-wives. Yes, I said daughter-wives. Craster marries all his daughters. “What does he do with the sons?” Jon Snow wonders uneasily. We have a feeling that whatever it is, it’s not pleasant. +250 Read more... 3) Since rightful King Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy) was killed, everyone seems to thinks they have a claim on the Iron Throne. In this episode, we meet Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane), Robert’s older brother, who is determined to seize the throne by any means necessary. Helping him in his mission is Melisandre (Carice van Houten), the red lady, a Rasputin-like advisor. We don’t know much about her other than that she can drink poison without being harmed. And, she gives us the willies. +75 4) When we last saw Danaerys Targaryan (Emilia Clarke), she had climbed into her husband’s funeral pyre with three dragon eggs and miraculously emerged unscathed and with three cuddly dragon babies covering her naked body. Now, she leads her rag tag khalasar through a barren desert and food and water are running out. How will the mother of the dragons fare? +15 5) Evil King Joffrey orders the assassination of his father’s illegitimate children so that no one can contest his claim to the Iron Throne. The show ends with a bloodbath as all the bastard kids are murdered, and there’s a particularly horrible scene where a baby is stabbed in its mother’s arms. It’s a grim reminder of how dark the world of GoT can be. +500 But Spring’s still here… 1)Loose lips sink ships! Stannis Baratheon does the medieval version of starting a tabloid rumour when he sends letters all over Westeros proclaiming that King Joffrey is the product of incest between sibling couple Cersei (Lena Headey) and Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). Cersei denies it but we, of course, know that it’s true: and it’s great to see her squirm. -50 2) My apologies to Jack Gleeson, who plays the tyrant King Joffrey Baratheon—but there’s something about that guy’s face that makes it so satisfying when someone clocks him. (Maybe that’s why this video went viral). “I heard a disgusting lie about Uncle Jamie and you,” Joffrey says to his mother, Cersei. She slaps him and it’s awesome. -50 3) Get ready for Arya Stark (Maisie Williams), people. She was only in the premiere episode for a couple scenes, but she will soon be your favourite character on TV. After watching her dad get beheaded, she escaped the castle without being detected by Cersei and Joffrey’s henchmen, and now is posing as a boy (Arry), en route to join the Night’s Watch. And she’s feisty: when someone tries to steal her sword, she threatens to stab him, saying: “You want it? I’ll give it to you. I’ve already killed one fat boy... I’m good at killing fat boys. I like killing fat boys!” If you can get beyond that unfortunate wig that the actress is forced to wear, you'll soon see that her storyline is one of the most compelling reads in the whole Ice and Fire series. Also, can I just mention—I want her to be reunited with her brother, Jon Snow, so, so badly! -50 Nudity count: 2 Apocalpyse count: 1690 Episode #1 verdict: Fire and brimstone. The apocalypse, just like winter, is most definitely coming.