Dating is hard. Between the photo-versus-real-life-looks discrepancies and the ability to learn with a quick Google search that your potential date played Rolf in his high-school production of The Sound of Music, “Netflix and chill for one” forever may seem like a better idea. So while I’m not here to tell you it’s sunshine and roses out there, I would like to offer an almost-optimistic counter view: It could always be worse. How much worse? “Wore cowboy boots” worse. “Thinks ‘Evolution is probably a myth, if you think about it’” worse. Guys, I have seen some things. Below, please find an incomplete summary of ways your worst date could play out.
1. You get stood up
2. You get stood up, and when you call his number, an old woman answers and says “But Tom died eight years ago….”
3. Your date drives you home… on his Segway.
4. A friend asks you to meet him for dinner, but when you get there, he’s really dressed up and the vibe is kind of weird and…“Oh, my God, I’m on a date with Michael—noooooooo!!!”
5. You call your date your ex’s name, then the server’s name, then your dad’s name.
6. You ask what he does for a living and he says “Sure, some people might consider it a cult. I think of it as more of a conscious-living collective with strict rules around disparaging the leader.”
7. He complains about his boss for, like, an hour and a half, punctuating his tirade with diversions about how “females” just don’t have “the leadership gene.”
8. Surprise: your date’s vegan!
9. Surprise: your date’s freegan!
10. Your date offers to walk you home because chivalry is important and also because he, like, always carries a gun.
11. No one told you the restaurant was BYOB, and you guys just started talking about your relationships with your parents.
12. You started nodding before he said something homophobic, and now you’re still nodding so he thinks you’re on board and the rest of the date will proceed with that silent understanding.
13. His ex shows up. She looks exactly like you, but something about her is just…better.
14.The cab driver thinks you’re brother and sister, and you guys just kind of go with it.
15. Your date said he wanted to do something “fun and different,” and now you’re at a tattoo parlour searching for a polite way to say “Barbed wire’s not really my thing.”
16. he said he has a dog. he lied.
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