The human connection
Jann Arden's advice on healthy sexual relationships
DEAR JANN: A while ago, you wrote that you thought people were merely sexual and neither gay nor straight. I am not questionning your integrity; I am just asking because it has always been my understanding that all people must decide, or know, what sexual preference they are. I have experimented, and I have devoted a lot of time to figuring out what my true gender of choice is. Sorry for having to question your theory, but if people have no sexual gender, that really worries me. I mean, if you commit to someone for life, how do you know they won’t switch teams down the road? CAGEY
Dear Cagey: Your sexuality is determined by a million different things. You have billions of bits of information coming into your brain every day, and each one of those bits affects who you are, what you think, how you feel and what you do. Sexuality is so incredibly vast. It is a proverbial ocean of choices, all of which are affected by your environment, your temperament, your biology, your sociology, your comfort level and your experiences. Sexuality is something that will defy category as long as we exist on this planet. It is so diverse and individual. You will never be able to stick anyone under a sign that says what “they are.” Human beings are complicated. I wold suggest that you strive to be happy, comfortable and full of joy. Choose a partner who turns your mind on — that is where the sexual revolution begins and ends. You don’t have to “choose” a side. If you are not breaking the law, if you are living within what is morally acceptable to you, then you’re fine. Go be a sexual person and enjoy your humanity.
DEAR JANN:I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. When we first got together, I was 110 pounds. After a year with him I developed hypothyroidism, and now my weight has doubled. Our sex life has gone downhill. Instead of every couple of days, it’s now every couple of weeks. He often says really hurtful things about my weight, and he says that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Since I put on so much weight in a short period, I cannot do a lot of physical activity. I want to lose the weight but it is so hard, and my boyfriend is not helping my self-esteem any. What should I do? SEXLESS
Dear Sexless: If your boyfriend is saying hurtful, mean things to you, you need to seriously consider getting out of the relationship. No one ever deserves to be punished with emotional terrorism — and that, my darling girl, is just what it is. It’s his way of controlling you and making himself feel like the big man on campus while he’s at it. You have a medical condition, and I hope you are seeing a doctor about the proper steps to take to get your health and peace of mind back. I wouldn’t want to have sex with somebody who didn’t love me entirely and completely. I just wouldn’t. I know that weight can really be a menace to one’s self-esteem, but I’m sure that you are hard enough on yourself right now without your boyfriend attacking you about it. Please take care of yourself and get rid of your real weight problem … him!
Please send your questions to:
Ask Jann, ELLE Canada,
25 Sheppard Ave W., Suite 100,
Toronto, Ont., M2N 6S7
E-mail: [email protected]