Don’t rush the marriage talk
Jann's advice for a reader who jumped the gun, plus what to do when your friend's an addict.
DEAR JANN: I met this unassuming guy who totally blew me away! After a few weeks, he spoke of marriage. He would call me at all hours of the day and night just to say hello. He seemed totally into me! Both our jobs demand a lot of travelling, and during that first few months we often found ourselves apart. He had promised to take his Christmas vacation with me so we could be together, but last week he said he had to cancel his holiday because of work. Instead of being understanding, I totally lost it and asked him where this relationship was going. He never answered. A month has now passed, we have still not seen each other, our conversations (all initiated by me) are awkward and all his sweet talk has vanished. I cannot stop thinking about him. Should I just give it up? Or should I ask for a second chance? BLOWN AWAY
DEAR BLOWN AWAY: How do I say this calmly, simply, clearly…Hmm, how about give it up!
I don’t think knowing anybody for a few weeks and talking about marriage is a particularly great idea. You don’t know each other; just ask Renée Zellweger. There must be reciprocity in any relationship … two people seeking the same end, the same results. His lack of interest is apparent, and you are being desperate. Don’t worry, there will be many other opportunities in your life for romance. Just make sure you save a bit of yourself for dessert, if you know what I mean. Don’t give a guy the whole meal the first week. He won’t be hungry anymore. I know you’re thinking about him, but that will pass with time. You will move on. Don’t worry.
DEAR JANN: A cousin of mine recently confided in me that a mutual friend of ours had struggled with a cocaine addiction a few years ago. Lately I’ve been worried about our friend’s behaviour, but I don’t know how to bring up the possibility that she’s using again. My cousin made me swear to secrecy. She doesn’t want me to say anything to our friend that even suggests I know about her past. How can I let her know I want to help without her feeling judged or offended and without my cousin feeling betrayed? WORRIED
DEAR WORRIED: Well, it does suck being sworn to secrecy, but I don’t believe in secrecy when it comes to drug use; there is no room for secrets when it comes to somebody slowly killing themselves. Confront, confront, confront! People honestly think that nobody notices that they’re out of their ever-loving minds…they think they’re normal. That’s why they keep using. “I don’t have a problem,” they say. You can still be very diplomatic. I mean, you could send her a card and simply say, “If you need me, I am here for you” or “If you have anything you ever want to talk about, just call.” There’s also the shock drop, and that entails just saying, “You’re not kidding anybody, least of all yourself.” Offending your cousin is the least of your worries; somebody’s well-being is at stake.