I’m not a big fan of The Bachelor‘s women-tell-all episode. Sitting in a room with my girls talking trash about the guys we used to date, that’s like every Friday night for me. Plus, I hate the tearing down of women by women. Sigh. Nevertheless, here’s the Cole’s notes version from the live episode, which, if we’re being totally honest, Sheila the chicken totally stole the show.

We salute you, Jubilee
Even though she was outright attacked by the other women, the war veteran rose above, apologizing to contestants. “I’ve worked on who I am and I love who I am,” she told the world’s best listener, host Chris Harrison. “This show breeds insecurities…After watching this, I told myself, I refuse to overthink anything to the point where I’m self-destructive.”

Lace should get her own reality TV show
We’ve had a soft spot for this lovable hot mess since she got tipsy on the first night (hey, it happens every season). She also provided a very dull season with a little bit of drama and brevity. Like this (totally sincere) goodbye to Ben: “Like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone else unless you truly love yourself.” Turns out we will see more of Lace: she agreed to go on Bachelor in Paradise. In other news: some rando got a tattoo of her face on his stomach.

Olivia gets crucified
Just watching the flashbacks of Olivia’s scenes was so painful that I cowered under my Hudson’s Bay blanket. “It’s brutal to watch,” she admitted, saying she’s not sure when it went wrong with her and Ben. Another one of her biggest concerns: that people made fun of her toes.

The producers set up sex panther Caila as the next Bachelorette

Here’s how to succeed at becoming the next bachelorette: grit your teeth and don’t blame the guy who broke your heart. Look adorable (not too much makeup and not too much cleavage). Speak in clichés. My fave: “the way he looks at them, but I want someone to look at me like that one day.” Caila, you are ready. And if you turn it down, there’s always Sheila!

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