Relationships: When are white lies ok?

Whether it’s telling a loved one that they look good when they are sick, playing nice with an annoying in-law or planning your best friend’s surprise party – we have all told a white lie at one time or another. We typically tell white lies to protect the feelings of other people and avoid unnecessary conflict, whereas regular or “hard lies” usually serve a more selfish and deceptive purpose. Unfortunately, the line between the two can be a fine one. Sometimes something that seems like a harmless white lie can in fact damage a relationship.

Recently, a man in Windsor, Ontario spent the past year secretly collecting every last detail of his long-time girlfriend’s dream wedding and planned the whole event without her knowledge, proposing to her right before the ceremony. The surprise wedding was dubbed “Operation White Cake” and involved a year of planning, covert information gathering and secret keeping. “Operation White Cake” was in a sense a white lie of epic proportions. However, anyone who has seen their viral wedding video, it’s clear that withholding the truth resulted in a touching, romantic moment for the couple and everyone involved (and millions of YouTube voyeurs).

The question is – when are white lies okay in a relationship and when are they destructive? Here is a quick list of some common white lies – the ones that are okay to use on occasion and the ones that should be avoided at all costs.

1. White lie: “You look good!”
OK: Your man has been working really long hours at the office. When he comes home late one evening and says, “I must look terrible,” it’s ok to wrap your arms around him and say: “You look good to me.” We’ve all been in a situation where we have shown up somewhere knowingly looking visibly tired only to be cornered by a pesky frenemy who says “Oh my god, you look so tired! What happened to you?” This never feels good. Don’t be the frenemy in your own relationship.

NOT OK: You want your partner to look and feel their best. The fitting room however, is never the place for white lies. If the new ill-fitting jeans he’s trying on do not look good, don’t tell him otherwise. When someone else eventually tells him that he looks ridiculous, this white lie will catch up with you and you’ll end up looking like the jerk. If you say something constructive like “Those pants hide what a great body you have. Maybe there are some more flattering styles we could look at?” he’s going to trust you’re looking out for his best interests.

Are you a jealous friend? Find out here.

More white lies to avoid on the next page ...