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6 secrets to finding true love

Don't think you'll find true love? ELLE Canada has tips for finding your soul mate.

Nov 09, 2007
By
Kat Tancock
6 secrets to finding true love

While many people are perfectly happy living the single life, it's not unusual to be envious of the happy couples in your circle of friends. Feel like you'll never find true love? Maybe you just need to revamp your dating strategy. We spoke with psychiatrist Dr. Paul Dobransky, author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, for his tips on how to find the perfect partner for you.

1. Opposites really do attract
"The ideal is with the person who is opposite in style to us," says Dobransky. "If a man brings certain emotional and intellectual skills to the table that a woman lacks, and vice versa, they make a perfect team." So if you're on the shy side, a more extroverted partner will help balance your personality; if you're logical and a planner, you'll make a great team with someone who's spontaneous and creative. (Not sure where you fit in? Dobransky offers a free personality test on his website, kwml.com.)

Keep in mind that finding someone who's your opposite in personality may mean stepping outside your comfort zone when it comes to meeting people. "If you only go to what's comfortable for you," says Dobransky, "you're only going to meet men who are too much like you rather than your opposite." So if you're very outgoing, consider going to places and events that your opposite might attend, like book readings or a continuing education class, and vice versa.

2. But you can't be too different
Dobransky recommends looking for partners with a personality that complements yours -- your opposite -- but stresses that you should still share similar dreams and goals. "We all need people who have similar beliefs, goals and values," he says. After all, if he wants kids right away and you picture them in a hazy, faraway future, you're going to have some instant fodder for arguments and unhappiness. "We can't possibly commit to another person without joint goals," says Dobransky.

3. You have to have mutual attraction
Sex is a key component of a happy relationship, says Dobransky. Without mutual sexual attraction and -- when the time comes -- a healthy, happy sex life, a relationship is doomed to fail. But make sure not to confuse passion, love and commitment -- they're all separate things and should be cultivated individually. In the early stages of the relationship, Dobransky says, "women should hold out on giving sex for there to be more of a chance of commitment." And men, he adds, "ought not to dive into commitment too easily if there isn't a great sexual chemistry."

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