When to work on your relationship and when to say adios and walk away.
Pagination
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If it is a deal breaker, you will notice that most conversations with The Invisible Man do not lead to anything new. In fact, you may find yourself repeating the same words and phrases that you have used so many times before! Yet there are no new connections, no new insights, no new plans, no new goals, no new ways of being, no new patterns -- and never a new direction in the relationship.
Deal breaker scenario: He watches sports (hunts, fishes, exercises, follows the stock market, works on projects, surfs the internet) all day. He refuses to break away from his precious interests in order to spend time together. When the wall is up, it won't come down. You feel a deeper connection with the phone survey guy than you do with him.
Work on it: You ask him to let go of his obsessive behavior and he begins to work on it. You see signs of movement and evidence of change. Perhaps he designates an area of your lives in which both of you are mutually invested, such as going to the gym together, taking a cooking class, or planning vacations. His willingness to connect gives you hope and something to hold on to -- not the wishing, hoping, and praying kind of hope, but something genuine and real.
Walk away: You, and only you, are interested in a deeper emotional engagement. Whenever you ask for more, you feel as if you are banging your head against the wall. In the end, you realize that you are living your life without a companion. With sadness, you realize that when there is nothing shared, it is not really a relationship.
Deal breaker scenario: When you first met, he was sexually attracted to you. You couldn't even undress without his becoming excited. But now you parade around the bedroom in lingerie, yet he cannot break away from the television (a new flat-screen? Now, that excites him). And you cuddle next to him in bed, but he refuses to respond. Because he remains detached, you feel like less of a woman.
Work on it: You tell him that you need the reassurance that he is sexually interested, and you back up your request by buying sexy lingerie, planning a romantic getaway, or trying different things. Because you have made an effort, he begins to desire you and initiate sex. The renewed sexuality "warms up" the relationship in other areas.
Walk away: He doesn't respond, gives no explanation as to why he is sexually disinterested, refuses to talk about it, and remains detached. No matter what you try, his sexual interest is not revived. Where as a King of Queens rerun used to be more important than sex, a Teletubbies rerun is now more important than sex.
What's your deal breaker scenario? Talk about it with other ELLE Canada readers in our forums!
Copyright © 2007 by Dr. Bethany Marshall. Printed by permission. Excerpted from the book Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away by Dr. Bethany Marshall published by Simon Spotlight Entertainment, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
