Back on the dating circuit

Q: I haven't gone on a date with anyone (not even for a drink or a movie!) for two-and-a-half years. My last relationship soured me on romance. He was a great guy, but he couldn't get past his divorce. He broke up with me because he realized that I wanted more. I still think about him constantly, even though he has moved on (possibly multiple times). Meanwhile, I'm in a rut. My self-esteem has pretty much plummeted, although I still go through the obligatory motions of working out, reading self-help books and going out with friends. Am I having an early mid-life crisis? How can I get past this and move forward? Stuck

Dear Stuck: I know why you feel the way you do: It's called “rejection.” Even though this man has told you why he doesn't want to commit, you can't help but take it personally and your confidence has been shattered. You're hiding behind an invisible brick wall because you're afraid that it will happen to you again. Listen, my dear: He has not rejected you; he's just not ready and needs time to heal. He may be happy to go on dates, but that's as far as he wants to go. You must have noticed that about him, but you chose to ignore it. It's time to be honest with yourself. You had conjured up some idealized version of your relationship. If you are completely honest about the relationship's shortcomings, your sense of hopelessness will lift-only then will you be able to start enjoying your life again. By spring 2009, you'll have a smile on your face and a spring in your step and you'll see life oh so differently.

Q:I had been dating a guy for more than three months, and I thought it was going great. Then he started getting mad at me when he felt I wasn't being open about my feelings. The more he pushed, the more I shut down. I ended things because I couldn't take his neediness. Do you think I made a mistake? Doubtful

Dear Doubtful: You did what was right for you at the time. I also think your ex has self-esteem issues: He's a pleaser; he'll do anything to be liked. He panicked when he felt you were shutting him out. He has to own up to his insecurities, which he didn't. Stop feeling guilty and move on.

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Photo by Norbert Mayer