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Make up or break up: How to tell if it's time to move on

Use our guidelines to help you decide whether your relationship is moving full steam ahead -- or going downhill fast

By
Jessica Padykula
(43 people)
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Make up or break up: How to tell if it's time to move on

As most of us know, relationships are anything but cut and dry -- especially when conflict is involved. It can often be extremely difficult to decide whether to end a relationship or keep going, driving us crazy in the process!

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, a registered marriage and family therapist provides some important things to think about when trying to decide whether you're in -- or you're out.

Don't let your emotions do the talking
We have a lot of emotional investment in our relationships, Belleghem explains, and the more in love we are, the more our emotions come into play. This can make rational thinking near-impossible.

"Your thinking brain gets put on the back burner when emotions are involved," says Belleghem. For example, could you make a rational decision while either really angry or sexually aroused? We didn't think so. This means, major relationship decisions shouldn't be made in haste, mid-fight or mid-thrust. If you can't have a conversation about the state of your couple-hood without yelling, walk away for a while until your heart rate comes back down to a more normal level. You'll be much less likely to make a regrettable decision or say something you wish you hadn't.

If I'm Ok, we're Ok
If you're unsure of where your relationship is going, Belleghem suggests asking yourself how you feel about yourself in that relationship. Consider the following criteria:

• Do I like myself when I'm with him?
• Do I like myself only when I'm thinking about him, i.e.: only in my fantasy, not reality?
• Am I able to be myself when I'm with him?
• Do I feel attractive and confident when I'm with him?

If you like yourself when you're on your own, but find yourself turning into a nagging bitch or losing confidence in yourself when you're with him, it's time to reconsider your relationship. But on the other hand, things might just be OK if there is no shift in how you feel about yourself when you're together, and you can be (and feel good about) your fabulous self.

Is it time to break up? Find out on the next page ...

Think your man is a keeper? Check out these signs to see if he's Mr. Right!

What's your dating style? Take our quiz and find out!



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COMMENTS

  • Leah
    Published:
    2009-07-12 1:35 AM

    They don't mean only stay with a guy if he's rich, they mean is he financially stable, can he support himself, etc. No one wants to say with someone they need to support all the time as well as themselves, especially if you are looking to have a future together. Both partners need to be able to contribute in this aspect towards the relationship.

  • cash cow
    Published:
    2009-07-05 10:39 AM

    I don't think most real women feel their man needs to be rich, just be responsible and at the very least cover his share of the bills. I have been with someone for 6 months , now I am supporting him.

  • Mike
    Published:
    2009-06-11 10:30 PM

    Where does it say to break up with any guy who's not rich? The only thing I can find that's remotely close is the reference to contributing to savings, and it's reasonable to expect both to make a contribution (not necessarily the same contribution) towards the relationship's future. However, if there's no savings to be had (regardless of income) then that's at best an indication of poor financial planning (a legitimate wa
    ing sign) - temporary financial problems excepted. Just my two cents...

  • P
    Published:
    2009-06-09 2:24 PM

    I don't beleive the message was that of a low paying job. I beleive the message was are both people partners? .. taking the responsibilty of the finances.. Personaly the amount of the pay check means nothing to me. Are you a hard worker, honest positive thinker, accountible. These are some things that matter to me. Signed real girl

  • Jennifer Sarsfield
    Published:
    2009-06-09 12:03 PM

    I would also like to add that this is the very first relationship article I have read that offered some really good and practical advice: analyze how you feel about yourself in your parters presence. WOW - that is great advice!

  • Jennifer Sarsfield
    Published:
    2009-06-09 12:01 PM

    I agree with the first comment, although I am a woman. Many great relationships can happen when the man doesn't make as much money as the woman. C'mon, what happened to equality of the sexes? What if a man broke up with a woman because of her financial status? Then we as women would FREAK OUT!

  • KevieeeK
    Published:
    2009-06-09 5:58 AM

    Sorry but wow In a guys point of view that is mean.. SO just because he is having financial problems you break up with him?? So what?? You expect ALL men to be rich ?? I have a low paying job are you telling me i can never date ??? WOW that's really nice.

  • K
    Published:
    2009-06-07 1:08 AM

    I just ended a toxic and verbally abusive relationship. My gut feeling was telling me to end it long before I actually did...listen to your gut, there's a reason you get that gut feeling. u'll be sad for a few weeks...but you'll be happy for years :D

  • Lori
    Published:
    2009-05-31 11:53 PM

    This sooo makes sense... I think the main thing for me is his not-so-casual "habits". I think this has finally shown me its ok to NOT be ok with that, and that I might just have to lay it on the line!

  • Diane Buck
    Published:
    2009-05-31 6:31 PM

    I have just one thing to say to Jenny. I seriously think he is gambing thats why he's late for your dates or getting picked up.

  • chris
    Published:
    2009-05-23 4:37 PM

    It's interesting how this article talks about how men are the problems in the relationship. It takes 2 and its never just the 1. Women and men both have equal responsibility and both bring thier problems or quirks to the relationship. We all want the best from our partner, but can we live with the things we don't like or drive you nuts???

  • charlotte Morris
    Published:
    2009-05-18 5:01 PM

    My relationship is major dysfunctional!! There are some good things about it though...you know what I mean. I want the best of both worlds.LOL..

  • Jenny
    Published:
    2009-05-18 12:14 PM

    I have been wrestling with ending a relationship over the last few weeks. We had been getting along great for months. But then he was hours late for pick up times and dinner dates. I was tu
    ng into an irritable b*tch which is so not like me. I recently discovered his financial irresponsiblity too. He is begging me to continue to give him more chances because he cares so much about me. But my gut feel and this article is now pointing me in the right direction. Thank you!!!

  • miss mebbe
    Published:
    2009-04-16 1:46 PM

    Geez, I feel like miss B is writing about my own life... how do others handle this situation?

  • Miss C
    Published:
    2009-04-16 8:48 AM

    I was in a relationship for 6 months, thought he was the one. we never fought and we always had good times with whatever we did. Just recently he broke up with me , and I am left thinking what happened????

  • Missy
    Published:
    2009-03-24 11:22 PM

    Melissa A - I am married to a man who on the surface is great but when you get below the surface is horrible selfish. He works and I work and still am expected to be perfect mom, perfect sex kitten, perfect housekeeper and perfect friend - it isn't possible and my lack of communication has brought us to the brink of divorce. COMMUNICATE everything - it is the only way

  • Miss B
    Published:
    2009-03-24 10:50 AM

    I am in love with my guy and he seems to be the perfect partner, We are not very sexual well he isn't but as afar as responsible he is the one...always in touch with the bills and what our future will be as far as retirement...we need to start saving,,I am the problem and I realize if I want to keep him I better smarten up! He is definately a good catch..if you don't mind the absence of the sexual part....

  • Jackie
    Published:
    2009-03-17 10:09 PM

    Melissa A - I was married to a man that was married to his work. He thought his only contribution to our relationship was his paycheque. While he worked hard and was a great provider, I spent 10 years alone. My advice is speak to him now...because as time goes on, it will get harder to express your conce
    s.

  • lee pee
    Published:
    2009-03-17 12:44 PM

    I know what you mean Kattie Smith and I hate it. My husband and I seperatted for three years,and then things changed........... but not for long biggest mistake to go back

  • B. Wayne
    Published:
    2009-03-17 12:25 PM

    Rick and Kattie, I think you guys can both work through your relationships, as you have been together for four years now. It sounds as though Kattie is taking a shot at you Rick and trying to give you a hint that she expects more from you. My suggestion to you is to not post comments about breaking up and get caught by your girlfriend...haha.

  • B. Wayne
    Published:
    2009-03-17 12:23 PM

    Rick and Kattie, I think you guys can both work through your relationships, as you have been together for four years now. It sounds as though Kattie is taking a shot at you Rick and trying to give you a hint that she expects more from you. My suggestion to you is to not post comments about breaking up and get caught by your girlfriend...haha.

  • Tiffany
    Published:
    2009-03-17 11:14 AM

    Well I am glad this article came out as well. My bf and I are fien the only thing that is off in our relationship is that he is sooo sexual were as I have practically no sex drive at all...the difference between our sexual levels is the only thing that causes problems for us. is this normal?

  • Melissa A.
    Published:
    2009-03-17 9:59 AM

    I to, like Kattie am at a crossroads of a 3 year relationship. As a matter of fact, we are to be married this June 13 - 2009! My fiance works hard 42h/wk, but thinks that because he does that, he does not have to contribute otherwise in our relationship as a partner ( household responsibilities, bills) or in the parent role either. What do I do? I work too outside the home but am still expected to do everything else as well! Anyone have any advice?

  • Paul Jones
    Published:
    2009-03-17 9:53 AM

    Love the article. Very informative... I wish I could find the same subject lines with: "How to tell the diference between MS. Right and MS. Wrong"

  • Jake
    Published:
    2009-03-17 3:52 AM

    Listen, communicate, pay attention to, compromise, take time, help, do things for, be there, relax, be yourself... most of all this can take work... laugh...

  • Kattie Smith
    Published:
    2009-03-10 5:19 PM

    I to am at a crossroads of a four year relationship. Mine is a one side relationship that my partner never seems to want to give anything to. just take.

  • Rick Boer
    Published:
    2009-03-04 2:07 PM

    Love this article as I am at a crossraods into a four year relationship trying to determine if it should go to a deeper level

  • Kim Forgeron
    Published:
    2009-03-01 2:43 PM

    I think after reading this article that it is time to break up, because no one should be made to feel like half a person
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