Dear Destiny’s Child,

I hear you’re getting back together! Let me just say that I am so excited! Mostly because I can’t keep watching videos from ten years ago forever. Streaming “Survivor” on an endless loop only gets you so far…

May I trouble you with a wish, though? Consider switching out Michelle for Solange.

Don’t answer right now. Just think about it for a while.

K

Dear Psy,

Oh my god, I’ve had Gangnam Style stuck in my head for, like, 158 days straight (and I still can’t remember how to spell it without Googling it. It’s like the first year Rihanna was famous.)

At this point, I don’t know whether to punch you or kiss you. I guess I’ll just thank you for essentially coming up with the Rosetta Stone for Korean since I assume I’m fluent at this point. At least when it comes to talking about Sexy Ladies.

안녕히 가세요,

Kat

Hi there,

It’s been about 10 days since the Biebs wore you to hang with Selena, and I have a confession to make. I can’t stop thinking about you. I literally think about you everyday.

You’re so clingy and yet so baggy. Like the commercial for the new iPhone says: You’re bigger, but you’re smaller. How is that possible?

More to the point, why is that possible?

Why would someone with seemingly infinite pant options choose you, a hellish hybrid between a poopy diaper and compression socks?

I assume that I will eventually reach Nirvana by pondering these questions, I just hope that when I get there, Nirvana doesn’t bear any resemblance to you, you saggy-crotched leggings.

Thanks for listening,

K

Dear Movie 43,

I know you’re not coming out until the end of January, which in the entertainment world is like 4,000 light years away, but I just want to tell you that I’m an amazing combination of excited and terrified.

Could a movie with a cast this stacked be anything but awesome?

Here’s a recap of who we know will be making an appearance so far: Emma Stone, Chloë Grace Moretz, Gerard Butler, Kristen Bell, Hugh Jackman, Elizabeth Banks, Jack McBrayer (you know, Kenneth from 30 Rock), Anna Faris, Halle Berry, Josh Duhamel, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Richard Gere, Uma Thurman, Kate Bosworth, Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber, Jason Sudeikis, Chris Pratt, McLovin’ from Superbad, Leslie Bibb, Justin Long, Terrence Howard, Johnny Knoxville, Kieran Culkin…. (Guys, I could keep on typing names, but I’m just tired now.)

I also heard Gerard Butler’s character is named Killer Chaun? Like come on.

So I guess what I’m saying is: I saw Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve; please be better. We know you can’t be worse.

Thanks and see you in January!

K

Dear Drake,

Happy belated! Everyone’s always going on about your music, but let’s take a minute to really focus on you your clothes. Because, let’s be real, you’ve made some intriguing sartorial decisions in your 26 years.

While others cringed at the purportedly Bill Cosby-esque sweater you donned in “Headlines” music video, I swooned (it was Missoni, excellent choice). And was it you who gifted that Chanel purse to Courtne Smith the other day? I wouldn’t put it past you.

So here’s wishing you a very fashionable future, filled with fancy sweaters and plenty of owl-emblazoned apparel. And don’t let the haters get you down, because YOLO, you know?

Love,
Victoria

Dear wax jeans,

Have I told you today that you’re awesome? Because you are.

Thanks for being the kind of friend that doesn’t stretch out or fade—as so many of our denim buds are want to do.

Thanks for coming in badass shades like ox blood from cheap and cheerful brands like Joe Fresh.

And, finally, thanks for having a fun name. (Wax jeans? Come one. That’s fun.)

See you in my closet,

xoxo

Kat

Dear Spanx,

Thanx.

Xoxo,

Laura

Dear Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger,

Wow. Colour me surprised at the news of your engagement. I really had no idea you were even dating.

In a lot of ways, I wish I still had no idea.

Avril, I know what you’re going to say… “He’s just a boy, and I’m just a girl. Can I make it anymore obvious? We are in love. Haven’t you heard how we rock each other’s world?”

But don’t whine at me! I get it! Love is love. Love is magic. Love is powerful.

I can only hope that this relationship will lead to a duet album in the vein of Dolly and Kenny’s “Islands in the Stream.”

Later sk8ers,

Kat

Dear tank top clad boys from The Wanted,

Your hit “Glad You Came” has been on the radio (yes, people still listen to that!) for roughly one million years at this point.

I just wanted to you to know that I’m still not sick of it.

Your suggestive lyrics are about as racy as going to Ibiza with your parents, but that doesn’t mean I’m embarrassed by my love for your Brit-pop stylings.

Just wanted you to know!

XO

Kat

Dear female Olympian gymnasts,

You are all so bendy and strong and dedicated! Congratulations on that.

However, as a collective, you’ve been demonstrating a huge lack of judgment when it comes to glitter.

There is so much glitter in your hair, ladies.

Based on my calculations, the appropriate amount of sparkle one should apply to a fresh hairdo is zero grams (or zero ounces for the Americans). Your high bar skills are all the eye-catching-jazziness required to wow us.

But perhaps you all have a good reason for these very blinding buns?

Maybe the sport was sponsored by Elton John?

No?

David Bowie?

Still no?

Ok then. I’m out of excuses.

Well, good luck at the games—and good luck washing all that glitter out!

Kat