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My boyfriend tells me how to raise my kids!
An ELLE reader's struggle to balance her love life and her children -- and Jann's response.
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Visit ELLE Canada's online forums to chat with other readers about fashion, beauty and relationships!
DEAR JANN: I have been dating a man for over a year. We are both in our 30s, and we both have children from a previous marriage. I have welcomed him into my home, and I've introduced him to everyone in my family, including my three children. For some reason, he thinks that it's okay to tell me how to raise my kids -- even though he has never introduced me to his. (In fact, I'm not sure if they even know about me!) I have confronted him on both counts, and he got upset and suggested that maybe we should split up. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know how to resolve this. HIDDEN
DEAR HIDDEN: Can you imagine the grief that's in store for you if you continue to suppress your feelings about this relationship? You feel uncomfortable. These are your children, for the love of God! They come first -- always first! No one should tell you how to raise them. You need to be on equal footing with him, not under his spell -- which is where a lot of women seem to find themselves with men. You should be as involved with his family as he is with yours. You should be able to talk to him about anything you want to talk to him about. I think that his saying you should break up is a passive-aggressive threat, and I hate that. It's a weak move on his part; it's just mean, if you ask me. Please take control of your life; don't let him push you around because you fear rejection.
DEAR JANN: A few months ago, my aunt passed away suddenly of an aneurysm. As you can imagine, it was hard on the entire family, but her daughter is really suffering. I have tried to console her, but unfortunately it hasn't helped. Her doctor prescribed some medicine for her, but she doesn't like taking pills. I have tried to get her to think about the positive aspects of her mom's life and how she would want her to be healthy and happy. What's the best way to help her? GRIEVING
DEAR GRIEVING: We die -- that's what we do. We live, and we die. Grief has no schedule, no timeline, no boundaries and no limitations. It will weave its way in and out of our hearts for as long as we live. You cannot help her; she has to help herself. I am a fan of drugs that help one to overcome sleeplessness and depression for short periods of time, but eventually you have to live your life and get back on your feet...or not. The thing is, we do have a choice. That is what makes life so interesting: we get to choose how we are going to live it. We choose how we are going to respond to tragedy and triumph (each of which has its own set of problems). Time is a wise healer. It is the only thing that really makes grief tolerable. Time will go by; it will. She will feel better. Sometimes,
saying nothing at all is better than saying something. It's what lies, unspoken, between all our words that carries the most weight anyway. Be patient. Be a good listener. Just be.
Please send your questions to:
Ask Jann, ELLE Canada,
25 Sheppard Ave. W., Suite 100, Toronto, Ont., M2N 6S7
Fax: 416-733-7981
E-mail: askjann@ellecanada.com
Visit our relationships section for more advice from Jann!
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