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Don't be a pushover
One ELLE reader has a problem with her mother telling her what to do -- and another has a problem with her mother-in-law. Find out what Jann thinks!
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DEAR JANN: I'm getting married this summer. It's my second wedding but a first for my fiancé. My family is keen to have a smallish wedding, which I am totally happy about. However, my fiancé wants to have a larger party to please his mother. (He's an only kid, so this is her one chance to have a big wedding.) I would be okay with this if his mother would foot the bill, but she says that it is the bride's family's responsibility. (If the wedding is kept small, we will be able to pay for it ourselves, but it's not in our budget, nor my parents', to finance a big wedding.) I really don't want this day to become a nightmare that will destroy my relationship with my future mother-in-law, not to mention create tension with my soon-to-be hubby. Can you offer any advice? WEDDING WOES
DEAR WEDDING WOES: Never get into debt if you can avoid it, period. It's no way to start a marriage. It is your wedding and his wedding. You have to come to some kind of agreement with each other, then sit down with your soon-to-be mother-in-law and explain how much you would like to do things without hurting anyone. This is not about intentional conflict and you rebelling against her wishes; this is about financial constraints. Yes, it's your fiancé's first wedding, but the bride's family could carry the debt of that wedding for years. This is not 1933; it's 2006, and traditions have changed. It shouldn't be solely the responsibility of the bride's family to finance the wedding. If your fiancé's mother is so determined to have things her way, she should be willing to step up to the plate, cheque in hand; then everybody would surely be happy with the outcome.
DEAR JANN: I'm in my early 20s, and not long ago I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years, mostly because he wouldn't get help for his drug addiction. He is now in a rehab centre and making progress, and I know he wants a second chance. My mom (I live with her) thinks this is completely unacceptable and forbids me to see him. He has been a large part of my life, and I really don't want to leave him behind. Am I just being naive? What should I do? LOST
DEAR LOST: You are your own person. What your parents think should not hinder your decisions about your own life. I know it's important for all of us to please people, but, honestly, this is your life. Keep in mind, though, the problems you are about to take on with the person you are choosing. Ignorance and the passion of youth are very powerful. If you want autonomy from your mother, may I suggest you move out of her house? When you are in her home, you should abide by her rules because she is paying the bills, plain and simple. Your mother is speaking out because she loves you, although that, in and of itself, does not make her right. Love is love, as you are experiencing now. Think about yourself, not him. Think about your happiness, not his. Let him do the work, not you.
Please send your questions to:
Ask Jann, ELLE Canada,
25 Sheppard Ave. W., Suite 100, Toronto, Ont., M2N 6S7
Fax: 416-733-7981
E-mail: askjann@ellecanada.com
Want more Jann Arden? Visit our relationships section!
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