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Choosing your relationship battles
Learn how to tell what's worth fighting for and what isn't in a relationship.
By Jessica Padykula
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Moving in together? We have tips to make it run smoothly!
Your man leaves wet towels on the floor and it drives you crazy. But he also has an annoying habit of interrupting you every time you try to tell a story. (Even if he's not even in the story) Both of these things make you feel less than amorous, even angry, but which one do you focus your attention on?
A good relationship needs good communication, but that doesn't have to mean communicating everything that goes through your head. Sometimes you need to pick your battles in order to get what you want. And we're not talking about that Daniel Espinosa bauble you have your eye on or the trip to Tahiti you've been hinting at. We're talking about weeding out the bad (constant interruptions) from the good (cuddling after sex, his killer pesto sauce). We let Lois Messinger, M.A. and clinical member of the Ontario Society of Psychotherapists help us decipher when to let our feelings be known -- and when to save our breath.
Say no to nagging
Picking at every little thing he does not equal good communication. A partner may tend to "turn off" and stop listening if you are constantly nagging them about little things, Messinger explains. This means when there are more important things to discuss, such as you always being the butt of his jokes at dinner parties, he may not listen.
"Nagging is repetitive and generally one-sided, while a constructive discussion [whether about wet towels or something bigger] takes into consideration the feelings and thoughts of both parties," she says. While you may not necessarily agree, there is more chance for a respectful outcome.
If you are constantly picking at little things, such as his penchant for leaving the toilet seat up, bigger issues in your relationship may take a back seat. "The listener stops listening and will either block out the criticism or become angry and defensive so the interaction is hurtful," Messinger explains.
Focus on the big issues
Messinger says the major issues between couples tend to be about the following:
• Trust
• Finances
• Sex
• Child rearing
• Relatives
With good communication these issues can be worked through. It will take effort and guts on your part to bring them up, but if you want a happy and healthy relationship, there is no other choice than to dive in and get to the root of the problem. These are the issues that can make or break your relationship, not the fact he neglects to wear matching socks on a date.
Sometimes though, focusing on the small things can be a sign there are bigger issues under the surface. If you find yourself always nagging your partner about one or two things, ask yourself if there are deeper issues fueling your frustration, and if so, find a way to resolve them. Sorry, but bugging him about the dirty socks balled up behind the bed is not going to help your lack of trust.
On the other hand, an issue may seem trivial to him, but is a major thorn in your side. The key here is not using his credit card to buy a revenge-Birkin, but to respect each other's perspective on all issues and find a mutually satisfying way to resolve them.
Want to know what men really find romantic? Find out here!
Moe tips on the next page
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