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Ask Susan: Broken hearts
Intuitive counsellor to the jet-set fashion and music crowd, Susan King is always ready to offer her inspired insights.
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WEB EXCLUSIVE QUESTION!
Dear Susan: I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17. We recently turned 21. Sometimes we both feel that we got too serious too young. He often will say to me tha the wishes he had met me later on in life because he's curious to have other relationships. Like him, I also wonder what it would be like to be with other men. I suggested to him that we try having other sexual partners but remain together. He's open to it, but now I'm wondering if that's a good idea. What if he or I develop feelings for these other people? So should we just be grateful that we found somebody special at such a young age? Shouldwe just break it off and risk finding something else out there? Confused
Dear Confused: You have had very special times together, but I don't think you two will stay together, it's almost as if you're both saying that to each other butnot in so many words. This will not work, try it if you both must, but it'sa recipe for disaster. There will be frustrations and jealousy on bothparts. It's not a game nor is another person's emotions to be taken lightly. You're both very young so this is part of your journey, but if you are goingto do this then do it if you must. But close the door, before you do. I know you won't. I suspect you will hang on but I expect another letter from youover the coming months...asking me what you can do as your feeling so badand alone. Do you really want this? You're a bright, intelligent youngwoman. Would you tell someone to put their hand in a fire? No so why are you asking if you should do it?
Dear Susan: I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Things have been up and down between us for most of our relationship. We met during his last year of university. He was often moody then, which annoyed me, but I figured that he was stressed with school, so I let it slide. Now that he has graduated, he has a full-time job and has just bought a house. Things are going well for him, but he's still moody. And it seems like he has lost his sexual desire for me. I love him, but his depression is taking its toll on me. Do you think I should just end things, or is this a situation that we can work through? Moody blues
Dear moody blues: I think his mood swings are just the tip of the iceberg. He has always been self-centred. You give your support to him, but there is none for you when you need it. If you continue on this path with him, you will become increasingly withdrawn and his negative energy will become yours. If you leave him, you'll see that life will open up. I feel that you would like to do a little travelling when you finish school, but you won't be able to, given the situation you're in now. I think you will leave him and find new romance. The new guy will either sail or like water sports. Think about yourself for a change. It's your choice.
Dear Susan: I worked with a man for seven months. During five of those months, there was an intense attraction between us, but we never acted on it. We flirted discreetly in person and in emails. When I returned from my vacation, my agency contacted me to tell me that my contract had terminated and my services were no longer required. My first thought was not of losing the job but of losing my contact with this guy! He and I exchanged emails, and, in the end, he asked me to set a date to get together. He came over to my house that night; we talked and laughed and had sex. I hadn't had sex for two years, and it felt great. He called to say that he had had a really good time and set up another date for the following week. That date was also a wonderfully intimate time. He called the next day to say he wanted to see me on Sunday. I told him that I was getting a little freaked that things were developing too quickly, so he called off our Sunday date. Since then, he has not returned my calls or emails. Did I overreact and cause him to panic? Freaked
Dear freaked: You know when you see a rock in the water, you can't see how much is lurking underneath? First, you watered down what you said you told him. Second, yes, he did panic because this man is not free. He has another commitment, which you didn't see because you wanted him. You gave him a reality check, and that is why he scooted. His brain had gone south! I think that saying what you did ended up saving you some heartache. You may hear from him again, though, because he was using you for sex. I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but I don't believe that you need this sort of pain. I know you have been hurt in the past and this was a way of putting your toe in the bathwater, but now that you have done it, learn from it. Be proud of who you are as a woman, and move on.
Visit our forums to chat about relationships with other ELLE Canada readers!
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