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Relationship expert: Puzzled, curious or perplexed?
Intuitive counselor to the jet-set fashion and music crowd, Susan King is always ready to offer her inspired insights.
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Dear Susan: Two years ago, my boyfriend was in a serious accident that kept him in the hospital for several months. I thought that this brush with death would change him – that he would open up to me – but this was not the case. We had been together for several years, but I always felt he was emotionally closed with me. I began to question whether I could stay with someone who couldn't be real, so I decided to break up with him. It was devastating. If felt like I was giving up and letting him down. It has been a little over a year. I've been trying to convince myself that I'm over him, but I'm not. Does he still have feelings for me? How do I move forward? Can't let go.
Dear Can't let go: It sounds like your man lives in a cold and lonely castle with the drawbridge permanently raised. You say that it felt like you were giving up and letting him down. Whoa! When did a relationship between two people become a one-way street? Why is it only you giving up and you letting him down? He had been letting you down for several years by being so emotionally closed. So it's definitely not just your fault. Sadly, he didn't change because he is not troubled by his emotional withdrawal. Even the accident didn't make any difference in the way he relates to you. I think he would welcome you back, but are you sure that this is what you want? I think that you still feel badly about leaving him and that you feel sorry for him because he's not very happy. But you can't change his outlook on life, and I can't imagine you wanting to return to that lonely relationship.
Dear Susan: I have recently started a new job, and I really like my boss. (My previous boss was brutal.) The problem is that I'm afraid I like him too much. I don't know if he is married, in a relationship or even interested in me. He has winked at me a few times and seems to make excuses to come and chat with me in my cubicle. I don't want to act unprofessionally or get into another heartache situation, like what happened in the past with a former boss. Maybe I am just jumping to conclusions. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm at my wits' end! Should I talk to him or just focus on my work and find love away from the office? Big trouble.
Dear Big trouble: It seems that you have not learned from you last mistake. (Your boss was married, and you had to leave.) You're headed down the same path because your desire to feel needed and wanted is messing with your logic. This man has a wife and children. Yes, he flirts, but what is there for you at the end of the day? Why do you think you are attracted to these kinds of situations? What was your relationship like with your father? I suspect that you were constantly seeking out his approval and assurance. Get involved in activities away from the office that will boost your confidence and where you will meet people who are not in positions of authority over you. I see you returning to school in a few years and having all kinds of opportunities open up for you. In the meantime, concentrate on work, not on your boss – he's not for you. Got it?
Related articles:
Marriage mistakes
Dating dilemmas
Staying together for the kids: Yes or no?
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