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Decode relationship woes
Susan King, counsellor to the stars, offers advice to three ELLE readers.
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DEAR SUSAN: My husband was only 44 years old when he died unexpectedly at home. After his death, I discovered that he had a mistress and problems with cocaine and that he had made illegal moves with the bank and the mortgage. (This is all true -- I swear it.) I've had therapy and plan to continue it, but deep inside I know I'll never be able to trust again, even though I want to. I'm a loving person by nature, but I can't imagine getting past this. He was the love of my life. DEVASTATED
DEAR DEVASTATED: Not only did his death give you a terrible shock, but you also found out about his indiscretions. I'm not going to defend his actions, but you were the love of his life too. On the surface, his childhood may have seemed okay, but I think he suffered great emotional pain. To you, he was always strong -- but inside, he wasn't. He hated himself and tried to mask this with cocaine. I think he was too embarrassed to open up to you; he didn't want to destroy the image you had of him and what he represented to you. You probably have so many questions. But if you look at the pain you are feeling, it might help you to understand why some people want to mask that pain with whatever they can get their hands on. He was not a bad man but a sad, lost one. He desperately wanted the world to see him as picture-perfect; alas, it was his downfall. You will never get over this, but you will learn to live with what has happened. Eventually, you will see the other side of the coin. Try to take it one day at a time. Don't look too far into the future, and don't make any rash or major decisions in your life until you're ready. I'm not making excuses for him, but if you peel back the outer layers of his early years, you'll make some surprising discoveries that will help you heal.
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