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Ask Susan: Relationship strategies
Intuitive counsellor to the jet-set fashion and music crowd, Susan King is always ready to offer her inspired insights.
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What does he really think of that one-night stand? Click here to find out!
Dear Susan: I am a 24-year-old college student and have been dating a guy in my program for the past few months. Lately, I've been having a lot of doubts about our relationship, but I can't really tell you what's making me feel this way. Is this a sign that we should break up? Will I meet a man who won't leave me with nagging doubts? Doubtful
Dear Doubtful: When you have doubts, it's your inner voice, or built-in radar system, telling you that all is not right. You don't know why it's not right -- you just have that ache in your belly that lets you know that something is up. It can be confusing when you can't put what's bothering you into words, but that doesn't mean you should disregard this feeling-it may be a sign of trouble. Don't ignore your doubts-be open to what they may signal and, in time, you will h gain a sense of confidence about what they might mean. Looking to the future, I think you'll meet someone at a sporting event this spring whom you will have total faith in. He'll have a bright smile, and you'll feel a wholesomeness about him.
Dear Susan: I've never been in a relationship before because I have trust issues when it comes to men. That said, I met this guy when I was on vacation in Prince Edward Island. We dated for about a week and then I returned home to Quebec to finish school. I told him I didn't want a long-distance romance, but now I regret that decision. I've tried to contact him, but he won't return my phone calls or respond to my emails. I know that this was a short-lived affair, but it has just reinforced my inability to trust men. I honestly don't think there is anyone out there who will be able to break through my wall of fear. Should I give up hope? Love-shy
Dear Love-shy: I think you grew up in a home where there was a lot of arguing. Sadly, I don't think you've moved beyond it. You can't escape pain in life -- it's part of how we grow mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Pain and joy go hand in hand -- realize and understand this and you'll be ready to live again in the here and now, warts and all. If you do this, you will find happiness with a man someday. I think that you have blocked yourself for too long, and it's time to stop doing that. Allow the sun to come into your world -- don't let fear hold you back.
Dear Susan: I was in a one-year relationship with a man whom I still think is The One. We met online and only communicated by email for the first month. (We didn't chat on the phone or exchange pictures.) We had an unbelievable connection, so, after some discussion, we decided to meet in person. We were as attracted to each other physically as we were emotionally. He lives fours hours away, but we managed to see each other once or twice a week. In the beginning we were in love, like a couple of 17-year-olds. (We're both in our mid-40s.) It wasn't a perfect picture, though: he was still getting over an ex and mourning the loss of his parents. (They died within three months of each other.) I knew that he was in turmoil, but I didn't expect that he would just cut off contact with me without offering any explanation. I kept calling him, but he never called back. Finally I got in touch with him, and he said he was busy at work and needed some space. It has been a year and a half since we broke up. I still send him emails, and his replies are always very polite but distant. In the meantime, I've started dating again, but I keep thinking about him. I miss him dearly -- I'm trying to move on, but my heart won't let me. Is there any hope for us? Hopeful
Dear Hopeful: I know that online dating is popular, but there's nothing like meeting someone face to face right from the start. In your case, you spent your first month building up this image of him in your mind, and you were hooked by his words -- not necessarily him. It was like reading a great book. Sorry, my dear, but it was a work of fiction. He is not coming back. He was never mentally free to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. You were open to him, but he was hiding behind his words. He's lost and may continue to be so for quite some time. Don't be dragged into that fictional world. Tap into that inner gumption that you have and put this relationship behind you.
Have a question for Susan? Email her at asksusan@ellecanada.com.
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