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Ask Susan: Find your own path
ELLE readers get advice on their troubles in love and life.
By Susan King
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DEAR SUSAN: My ex-boyfriend and I had broken up for about a year. About four months ago we got together again, even though I was moving. At first it was just like old times -- even after I left. We chatted often on the phone and things seemed to be okay. Recently I called him because I wasn't feeling very well. He wasn't in, so I left a message. A few hours later he texted me suggesting I go see a doctor. Later that night when I called him he didn't even asked how I was. I have this "sixth sense" that I'm not important to him, but the practical side of me says I'm just being too sensitive. Am I? VULNERABLE
DEAR VULNERABLE: You are confused, let's untangle this web. Your break-up represented one thing to you but to him another. When you contacted him to say you were sick, you were in fact reaching out to rekindle his affection,
expecting care and love. He was being practical -- what else could he tell you, being so far away. Two people can see their situation in totally different light. That is why this confusion arose. No, all men are not bad and uncaring. It's not always what a person says but what they do that shows who they are. That said, if you feel you need more from this relationship, be honest about your intentions. As Maya Angelou says "Now you know better, you will do better."
DEAR SUSAN: My sister recently graduated from an ESL course and is currently saving up to go abroad to teach. I'm so proud of her and can't wait to see her succeed. My biggest worry is that she's planning on taking her nightmare -- I mean boyfriend -- with her. I'm trying not to be too biased here, but the most objective description I can give of this guy is that he's a much older, unattractive, heavy-metal-singing, goth Brit (sorry, Susan!) loser who has a dead-end retail job. Every time I mention my concerns about him, my sister freaks out and I end up feeling terrible because I've upset her. I just don't want her to be on the other side of the world when she realizes one day that her boyfriend has drained the life out of her. Please help! FLIPPING OUT
DEAR FLIPPING OUT: Your sister is strong, determined and intelligent. She's also very sensitive. This man makes her feel needed, wanted and loved. The problems she has with men date back to your father. Have you tried talking to her about why she feels so conflicted about him? That is the route to take -- forget about the boyfriend. She knows the situation with him isn't great, but she is subconsiously blocking it out because it allows her to mask the real problem. So talk with her, not at her; you will hit a nerve, and it will make her stop and think.
DEAR SUSAN: I'm 39, and I've been living with a guy for three years; he's 25. When I met him, he was depressed and I was the cheery one. Now it's my turn to be sad. While he's fine now, he does experience depression and extreme mood swings. (His dad also suffers from these.) He's taking medication, and it does seem to be helping. But some days he says he's happy to have me in his life, while other days he comes home upset and starts telling me that he can't stand me. I feel especially vulnerable now because we just moved to a new town and I don't know anyone. His job was waiting for him, but I've had no luck finding meaningful work. It's a small town, so there aren't many opportunities. Meanwhile, he has made lots of friends at work and is doing well. He has a great job and pays most of the bills; I'm the one with no confidence and a low-paying job. I try hard, but my self-esteem is low. I know I'd miss him if I left the relationship -- but I don't have the courage to leave right now anyway. DISCOURAGED
DEAR DISCOURAGED: You helped him get back on his feet and, in doing so, you lost yourself. His work has helped his ego! When he says unkind things to you, he is exerting power over you because he knows that he can. So, my dear, you have to take back your own power. What you don't see is that he needs you more than you need him. I know you will laugh at that, but it's true. So sit with him and tell him in a clear and precise way how you feel and that you will no longer accept this situation. If you can't find work, go out and get yourself retrained; let him help you. Have you ever thought of real estate? I feel that you might have a knack for that. You definitely need to get out more. Take back what you gave up: your inner power.
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