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A-Sexomatic: Dealing with asexuality
They love each other and live together -- but don't have sex. Asexuals finally come out of the closet.
By Dorothy Woodend
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Discovering that you're asexual
Once you've discovered that you are asexual, the next hurdle can be finding someone to share that with. Finding a like-minded partner can seem like an impossible task -- hence the growing popularity of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). Founded in 2001 by a young man named David Jay, AVEN currently operates an online community for asexually identified people and their families and friends and boasts more than 12,000 members worldwide. The very existence of AVEN indicates that asexuals make up a large subset of the sexual world. Some estimates propose that they constitute anywhere from one to six percent of the population.
Jackie* is a thirty-something woman who lives near Toronto. She is well spoken, smart and funny -- and not interested in sex. "I thought something was wrong with me," she says. "My friends would say 'Oh, he's so hot!' and I'd nod my head and change the subject. I remember seeing the AVEN people on 20/20 and thinking, 'Hey, that's me!' I started posting right away. I never thought that an asexual man actually existed. My ex-boyfriend used to say that every man was interested in sex -- that it's all men ever think about. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to go into another relationship that would end in failure." Jackie is currently looking for a partner (she has placed an ad on an asexual-dating site), but, as she says, "It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack."
Asexuals and marriage
Some asexuals do get married and -- ironically, mirroring many mainstream marriages -- don't have sex. Victoria Glancetts, who lives in North Carolina, met her husband, Karl, through AVEN. They have been married for just over a year. Now 29, Glancetts discovered AVEN two weeks before her 25th birthday. "It was nice to meet people like myself and talk to men who weren't just trying to hit on me," she says. "Compliments seem so much more genuine when the other person isn't trying to look down your blouse, you know?"
Karl's experience was similar. "After a couple of failed relationships, I avoided getting involved," he says, "because I knew that I didn't want to have sex with anyone and I thought that sex was an integral part of any romantic relationship."
Like most married couples, Victoria and Karl are intimate -- just not in the way you would expect. "The chief thing about not being interested in sex is that it has given us time to get to know each other slowly without hormones clouding our judgment," says Glancetts. "In terms of cuddles and hugs, we're very affectionate. We shower together once or twice a week, which, I guess, is intimate -- though mainly it's just nice to have someone else wash my back."
Glancetts says that the media must share part of the blame for some people's sense of disillusion about sex, especially younger people. "They see what it's 'supposed' to look like on TV and in films," she says. "Then they try it and think 'That's it?! What a gyp!' Most of my friends are sexual and they're not all swinging from the chandeliers, saying how great it is, so I'm not too bothered by it." Far from the agony of no ecstasy, asexuals often seem remarkably cheerful, healthy and happy -- just not horny.
Does sex equal happiness?
The connection between sex and happiness is, at best, a tenuous one. In a recent paper entitled "Toward a Conceptual Understanding of Asexuality," Bogaert cites a study from The University of Chicago that suggests that as many as 40 percent of those who didn't have sex in the past year considered themselves to be very happy. According to Bogaert, this suggests that "the relationship between sexuality and life satisfaction isn't very strong and that some people can have rich lives without sex."
But some asexuals do have sex. "It's important to keep in mind that asexual people may not be in relationships that are entirely sexless," adds Bogaert. "Although they may not enjoy it or have any interest in it, they may still engage in sex to please their partners -- if their partners happen to be sexual." This point is reiterated by Brotto: "One thing that's intriguing is that many asexuals engage in sexual behaviour," she says. "They masturbate or engage in sex but don't feel driven to this behaviour by the heat of passion. Masturbating may be a way of releasing tension, getting to sleep or pleasing their partners."
In some ways, the asexual movement is turning previous sexual revolutions on their heads. What was once liberation (free love, gay rights) is now the opposite: everyone feels pressure to do it all the time, in new locales and positions. This may be asexuality's most revolutionary aspect: the freedom to say "No thanks, I'd rather eat chocolate" and feel just fine.
*Name has been changed.
Chat online with ELLE editors and ELLE readers about your thoughts on asexuality. Check out our forums to discuss!
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