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Relationship expert: Boyfriend trouble
Intuitive counsellor to the jet-set fashion and music crowd, Susan King is always ready to offer her inspired insights.
By Susan King
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Q: My boyfriend flirts with other girls on the Internet. I'm not very experienced when it comes to relationships (this is my first), so I'm not sure what to think. Initially I viewed it as a form of cheating, but I spoke to a few friends and they said it was normal. He also says it's harmless, but it still bothers me. Am I being a prude? Naive
Dear Naive: No! You feel uneasy about the situation because you value yourself and know in your heart you deserve better. Whether he's flirting in person or online, he's being disrespectful toward you. You may be new to the dating game, but you don't have to put up with this. His actions are only making you feel insecure. He and your friends may think it's okay, but that doesn't mean it is.
Q: I have been with my boyfriend for five years, and for most of that time he has had a gambling problem. There have been many occasions where he has chosen to go gambling rather than spend time with me. On top of this, he doesn't get along with my family and insists that he's not ready to commit to getting married. For the past year, I've had a strong connection with a family friend that has evolved into an ongoing flirtation. However, I'm afraid to leave my boyfriend and start something new with this guy. What do you think I should do? Confused
Dear Confused: Gambling is an addiction, and your boyfriend clearly needs help. If he were addicted to drugs, this might be more apparent to you and the other people in his life. That said, telling him that he needs help - and him actually doing something about it - is the tricky part. You can't make him see this truth because he's blind to it. My sense is that you've been holding on to this relationship because you believe that, in time, he'll change. I'd encourage you to spend some time alone to find out what you're looking for in life and then think about the best way to achieve these goals. If you decide to give him another chance, insist that he seek therapy. If he doesn't, you may decide to move on. I fear that instead of doing this, you'll go off and have an affair with this other man and then get yourself into more of a mess. Please prove me wrong. The guy you're flirting with is a very jealous person; he has a temper, which you haven't seen yet. If you have an affair with him, he'll soon be suspecting you of having affairs with other men. So, please, resolve the situation with your long-term boyfriend first. If you decide to end the relationship, take some time before you get involved with anyone else.
Photo by Norbert Mayer
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